My lack of blogs posts is due to my inability to take my own advice about being happy. I’m a naturally nervous and anxious person. When I get stressed out, I don’t think I recognize it anymore. That is, of course, until I find myself crying in the grocery store because I can’t seem to find where the cilantro is in the produce section.
On New Year’s Eve 2011, going into 2012, I dislocated my knee playing a game of Just Dance 3. At the time I was a bank teller, where I would have to stand for pretty much 8 hours a day. With my bum knee, it got angry (shooting pain and would swell) after 30 minutes. I went on disability while going to physical therapy and trying to get it right again. After five months, and my knee not showing a whole lot of improvement, they finally sent me to a surgeon. The surgeon then told me they would not touch me with a knife. My knees are normal, but not normal, she said. See, I’m practically six feet tall. I had an extreme growth spurt when I was in the sixth grade and really, that’s when my knee problems began. I grew up too tall too fast, my muscle tissue couldn’t keep up with the bones. Thus, my knee caps sit higher than they should and will be prone to dislocation, MY ENTIRE life. I think when I was told this was when my self-loathing really set into high gear. There was something bad about myself that I just couldn’t fix. It was normal, but not normal. WTF is that all about?!
I think as females I (we, I suppose, if you reading this also have a vagina) am taught to never really like the way we look. Maybe it’s the fact that we are so in touch with our feelings and we just perceive things that way. MAYBE it’s just me, BUT! Advertising, for instance, we’re told there’s always something newer, something better, that we can and don’t yet have. I mean seriously, is BB or CC Cream really that great?
While my knee was giving me issues I started gaining weight, mainly because it really hurt to walk and get around. I became the heaviest me I’ve ever been. Not to mention, at the time, I was the only one working in my husband and my marriage. We are the kids that went to college, got good grades, graduated, and couldn’t find jobs with our degrees. We were mid twenties living with our folks. Again, the new normal but not normal.
When my husband left for the Army my body stopped working properly. Not in a horrible way, but that’s something I’ll save for a later post. I worked out practically everyday, and became a toner, lighter version of myself than I’d been in quite awhile. It was great for stress, but still, nothing could help what was really going on inside.
When I finally got my husband back, eight months later, we moved here to Kansas. First time being miles and miles away from family and friends, not even being in the same time zone! I think any “milso” can go along with this when I say it’s REALLY hard to get used to (especially if you choose to live off post). Again, here I am, with my good ol college degree, in a place that again has no positions available for me. My husband, did and does have a steady income at least. I hate feeling so dependent though. If I want to spend $50 on a makeup palette I don’t want to feel bad about it because I didn’t earn the money to pay for it.
And coming back to my body malfunctioning on me. It stopped momentarily but I think it was a fluke. I don’t want to get into that too much yet, because let me tell you, the Army Life has not made this topic any easier for me to deal with. ACK – Sorry for being vague. BUT. eventually I will explain.
Anyways, in this whole being in Kansas thing I’ve found myself EXTREMELY unmotivated. I’ve gotten to the point where I get so overwhelmed with being told what I can’t do, that I just stopped trying. The more I want to do something the more afraid I am to try doing it, it the event I’m told I’m not good at it, or whatever it is is not successful. I really love writing, and that’s why my blog posts came to a screeching halt.
But this blog has to be for me at this point. If you, the reader, like it, AWESOME. If not, so be it. This is me, this is my life, this is MY BLOG. I’m going to vent, I’m going to boast, I’m going to be a whiny baby, and maybe I’ll occasionally share a recipe (but I doubt it. I hate cooking. BUT I do like to bake sweets… so maybe).
This self loathing has got to stop. My writing it out is the first step towards that.
Hi. My name is Kristen. I am human. I am an Army wife. I am not a mom but I’m learning how desperately I would love to be one. I’m a Californian living in Kansas, and loving it. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I have a cat. I don’t have a job. I do have a camera and I like taking pictures. I am a work in progress. I don’t make sense and I’m ok with that (most of the time). I overuse parenthesis.
Another day down to becoming the person I want to be. CHECK.
Another day of coping with what I can’t control…. I’m getting there.
But I’m going to be pinning for the next hour to nine hours so…. 🙂