The Manhattan sign on the hill covered in snow
What was your Christmas highlight?!
Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Now it’s time to prepare for 2014!
My lack of blogs posts is due to my inability to take my own advice about being happy. I’m a naturally nervous and anxious person. When I get stressed out, I don’t think I recognize it anymore. That is, of course, until I find myself crying in the grocery store because I can’t seem to find where the cilantro is in the produce section.
On New Year’s Eve 2011, going into 2012, I dislocated my knee playing a game of Just Dance 3. At the time I was a bank teller, where I would have to stand for pretty much 8 hours a day. With my bum knee, it got angry (shooting pain and would swell) after 30 minutes. I went on disability while going to physical therapy and trying to get it right again. After five months, and my knee not showing a whole lot of improvement, they finally sent me to a surgeon. The surgeon then told me they would not touch me with a knife. My knees are normal, but not normal, she said. See, I’m practically six feet tall. I had an extreme growth spurt when I was in the sixth grade and really, that’s when my knee problems began. I grew up too tall too fast, my muscle tissue couldn’t keep up with the bones. Thus, my knee caps sit higher than they should and will be prone to dislocation, MY ENTIRE life. I think when I was told this was when my self-loathing really set into high gear. There was something bad about myself that I just couldn’t fix. It was normal, but not normal. WTF is that all about?!
I think as females I (we, I suppose, if you reading this also have a vagina) am taught to never really like the way we look. Maybe it’s the fact that we are so in touch with our feelings and we just perceive things that way. MAYBE it’s just me, BUT! Advertising, for instance, we’re told there’s always something newer, something better, that we can and don’t yet have. I mean seriously, is BB or CC Cream really that great?
While my knee was giving me issues I started gaining weight, mainly because it really hurt to walk and get around. I became the heaviest me I’ve ever been. Not to mention, at the time, I was the only one working in my husband and my marriage. We are the kids that went to college, got good grades, graduated, and couldn’t find jobs with our degrees. We were mid twenties living with our folks. Again, the new normal but not normal.
When my husband left for the Army my body stopped working properly. Not in a horrible way, but that’s something I’ll save for a later post. I worked out practically everyday, and became a toner, lighter version of myself than I’d been in quite awhile. It was great for stress, but still, nothing could help what was really going on inside.
When I finally got my husband back, eight months later, we moved here to Kansas. First time being miles and miles away from family and friends, not even being in the same time zone! I think any “milso” can go along with this when I say it’s REALLY hard to get used to (especially if you choose to live off post). Again, here I am, with my good ol college degree, in a place that again has no positions available for me. My husband, did and does have a steady income at least. I hate feeling so dependent though. If I want to spend $50 on a makeup palette I don’t want to feel bad about it because I didn’t earn the money to pay for it.
And coming back to my body malfunctioning on me. It stopped momentarily but I think it was a fluke. I don’t want to get into that too much yet, because let me tell you, the Army Life has not made this topic any easier for me to deal with. ACK – Sorry for being vague. BUT. eventually I will explain.
Anyways, in this whole being in Kansas thing I’ve found myself EXTREMELY unmotivated. I’ve gotten to the point where I get so overwhelmed with being told what I can’t do, that I just stopped trying. The more I want to do something the more afraid I am to try doing it, it the event I’m told I’m not good at it, or whatever it is is not successful. I really love writing, and that’s why my blog posts came to a screeching halt.
But this blog has to be for me at this point. If you, the reader, like it, AWESOME. If not, so be it. This is me, this is my life, this is MY BLOG. I’m going to vent, I’m going to boast, I’m going to be a whiny baby, and maybe I’ll occasionally share a recipe (but I doubt it. I hate cooking. BUT I do like to bake sweets… so maybe).
This self loathing has got to stop. My writing it out is the first step towards that.
Hi. My name is Kristen. I am human. I am an Army wife. I am not a mom but I’m learning how desperately I would love to be one. I’m a Californian living in Kansas, and loving it. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I have a cat. I don’t have a job. I do have a camera and I like taking pictures. I am a work in progress. I don’t make sense and I’m ok with that (most of the time). I overuse parenthesis.
Another day down to becoming the person I want to be. CHECK.
Another day of coping with what I can’t control…. I’m getting there.
But I’m going to be pinning for the next hour to nine hours so…. 🙂
This past month has been so hectic. I’ve been in shock all month how quickly time was passing. This month we quickly said our “see you later”s to friends and family, spent two and a half very long days inside a moving truck, and moved into our new home in Manhattan, Kansas.
I don’t have a favorites list this month because I honestly haven’t had enough time to try anything new. Some days I didn’t even put on makeup, and I don’t believe my nails have been painted at all this month! Some days I didn’t even wash my hair, but that I am doing on purpose. I’ve gotten my hair to do two days really well, working on getting three. I want my hair to get healthy again! I didn’t even rediscover anything I already had and love enough to say “HEY! this is awesome!”
I loved April entirely. April, itself, has been my favorite so far. I had my husband the ENTIRE time (well, for the most part. It was as “normal” as it has been since last August!), I tried a lot of new food, saw a lot of new faces, had a lot of new experiences, and I’m becoming a new version of me. This is Kansas Kristen, ya’ll!
(Mini plug! Follow me on Instagram! CameraKristen)
April was full of a lot of highs and it’s definitely ending on a low. Three people I hold near and dear all lost someone over the weekend. But like I said, April started some new chapters. Spring is starting to blossom, and Spring is kind of an interesting season. I always say Spring is my least favorite season (due to allergies), but it’s so darn pretty! So excuse me while I try to make an analogy. Life can bring some struggles, some cold days, some unexpected snowstorms, but sooner or later the season will change and the flowers will bloom again. Yes, it might hurt (sneeze and sniffles and sinus pressure – amongst other things that are not allergy related: sadness and loss), but it’s up to you to see the beauty in those flowers. You can look from afar if need be, ease your way in (take that allegra!), and get yourself back out there. That wasn’t that great, sorry! I meant well.
For me, April was pretty stressful but exciting. We packed our moving truck with the help of our parents, my sister and nephews, and left the next day. We stayed a night in southern California, another in Albuquerque, and the night after that we had made it to Fort Riley. We only stayed on post two nights, another night in Manhattan, and the next day we were moved into our new home. Unpacking seemed like a never ending process. Organizing it all was another thing. It didn’t really hit me that we were so far from home until I went to find a place for a cookbook holder my mom and got for me a few days before we had left home. I haven’t been on post too much, but it seems nice enough. Manhattan, on the other hand, I LOVE! It’s such a cute college town. It has Target and Chipotle, and those were the two things I begged the Army gods for. I should have thrown in a Ross or Marshalls too but hey, there’s one not too terribly far away. Ikea, on the other hand, is an eight hour drive away. I’m starting to finally get used to our house, where everything is, and trying to work out a daily schedule for myself. We only have one car, so I’m stuck being a home body for now. HOWEVER, I am in walking distance of quite a bit, so, it is all good!
I took these panoramas of our living room about a week ago. Still on the messy side, but it’s all coming together!
Anywhos! Here’s to a new chapter, a new (but really, very much the same) Kristen, and a whole bunch of new adventures!