What I meant to say was…

Over the past weekend Steven and I attended a “marriage retreat.” It’s a paid weekend off post, in our case Kansas City, where you attend a few seminars on having strong bonds and have time to do fun activities the rest of the time. Going into the weekend, I figured it was going to be somewhat preachy, some gobbledy-gook “here’s what would happen in a perfect world” kind of thing. For a two night stay and five meals paid, I did not think it would be a horrible trade off though. I was excited to spend time away with Steven as well as be back in Kansas City!

I never sleep well in hotels, especially if the beds are not as soft as I would like. The first night (and the second, for that matter) I woke up with the slightest sound and did not get the rest that I might have needed. I drank three cups of coffee the next morning with breakfast, and that was two cups too many. We split into groups, the service members on one side of the room, and their spouses on the other. We were going through questions having to do with deployments, how we spoke to one another about them and what happened during them, both while they’re happening and now that they’re all home. The day before when we took the introvert/extrovert quiz, my test results were 7 introvert answers and 7 extrovert answers. I’ve never been one to really speak up in classroom set ups, it’s the introvert in me. However, since we were all a group of wives with similar life experiences, I was trying my best to be an active participant.

How do you feel your relationship has grown (since their return home)?

The other wives talked about how their relationships are always growing, how they learn with their spouses and about their spouses every single day. I believe that to be true about my husband and myself. This question hit a tender spot in my heart, though. This year, instead of having a new years resolution, I had a word of the year for myself to focus on: GROW. The first ten days of this year I was pregnant; my belly was going to grow, our family was going to grow, myself as a mother was going to grow. Instead, after now two miscarriages, I’ve had to grow as a human being and fight for my positive attitude in times of utter defeat.

There I was, apart of the two couples without kids out of the 18 total couples, over caffeinated with very little quality rest. When I spoke up I got unexpectedly emotional. I said my husband and I have grown since his return from deployment because we have had to go through some hard battles here at home too. I cried a few tears with a very shaky voice. I think what I said was quick but thinking back on it, it felt like I went on longer than I needed to – without even addressing the question. I was so embarrassed after that. I will probably cringe about it for a long time, really.

Not like any of the wives will read this, but I needed to put this out there for myself. What I meant to say was, my husband and I have grown immensely in the last year. During deployment, he was over there dealing with a ton of stress and danger, all while being in a place that was so completely different than what he was used to. I was back home, in a place we had just barely moved to, miles and miles away from friends and family back home, and learning and dealing with some weird medical conditions of my own. During a deployment, you do not communicate as well with your spouse like you normally would. You protect them from any burden happening on your end of the world, you keep it to yourself, you learn to become strong in a way that civilian relationships don’t. When they get back, that’s when you get filled in, and it can be a lot to take in at times. You are forced to grow, and reconnect, learn each others schedules and lives all over again – it can be fun, but it can be stressful. Steven came home from deployment earlier than the majority of the other spouses at our retreat. Shortly after he got home, we were pregnant, and it was something we had been wanting for over two years at the time. Two months after that, I had a miscarriage. When we were starting to get positive again, we suffered another. With deployment and with miscarriage, they are not something that ends and you just get over. It takes time to get back to who you were.

With infertility issues there can be a lot of miscommunication, or lack of communication at all. Trying to fight infertility can take away from intimacy in a big way. When it comes to military situations, I think there’s a pretty good community of people and support to take care of yourself and get what you need. When it comes to infertility situations, there’s not that community and support, and we’ve had to lean on one another above everything. We have been put in two not-so-normal situations that force you to get thicker skin, get in there and fight those battles, and you can only hope to come out on top, but there’s so much not knowing at the same time.

We’ve grown as a couple because we have learned how to be strong on our own, but at the same time, to be strong for the other person. We have fought our way through times apart and learned how to be so thankful and appreciative during those times that we are together. No matter what the situation, we will always experience them differently, but it is up to us to communicate and to understand one another and offer support when it is needed. Excuse the corny Army related lingo statement, but Steven has been the best battle buddy I could have ever asked for. We’ve made it through some pretty hard battles, and I could not have done it without his continuous love and support.

I guess the biggest lesson I took away from the marriage retreat focused around (my year of the word:) Grow. It’s important that you grow and that you develop, not just as a person but as a couple. It’s also important that you, as a spouse, support the growth of your husband or wife as you both learn and do new things. You two are the foundation of the relationship, where it began, and where it grows, and that is just as crucial as what you have grown to be. A mediocre metaphor, my apologies.

If you are a military spouse, a highly recommend attending a marriage retreat if and when you can. It was not life changing, but it was helpful. There’s nothing wrong with getting a new perspective on something you know well.


5 thoughts on “What I meant to say was…

  1. We finished our third deployment in August of last year. Deployments are super tough. I connected with another military wife, her husband was in the same unit, but not the same location. She would talk to him multiple times a day, and get to skype him often. I was on the opposite end of that. We could maybe talk every other day, and skype cut in and out so much it was hardly worth it. We went to yellow ribbon events (required for Army Reserve soldiers) and I always found the group time to be overwhelming, and I could never form what I was thinking into what I said.
    Glad you guys are connecting well, and growing. Growing on your own, and together is so important through Deployments, and in general!

  2. I got a little emotional reading this. Don’t be embarrassed for what you said. It is really hard when you’re a military partner. You work hard to keep any stresses you face away from them because, of course, they have their own to face. You put them first. So it feels strange to be vocal about those things you’ve faced. It seems natural to be a little emotional and I think it made sense to the question 🙂 its hard to go through individual stress and come out of it stronger as a couple when you have, what feels like, limited time to really invest in sharing what’s on your mind with your partner when they are home.

    My other half is on the other side of the country a lot of the time as he’s in the military (and leaves soon for… well, we’re not sure how long). I miscarried our first baby in april and I’m only now starting to feel marginally like “myself” again.

    I’m really sorry to hear about your losses. It is horribly unfair and just makes so much chaos in your mind. I understand. Thank you for sharing. Xx

    • I am so sorry for you loss ♥

      I feel like as military spouses we naturally have thicker skin – but in turn, as a military spouse, we’re surrounded with new babies and kids everywhere. It can be really rough to begin with, but when adding a personal battle too, it is that much more difficult. I hope that your husband has safe travels and that you have a good support system where you are. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m someone who understands, and I’m here for you!

  3. Pingback: Discovering Kansas City, pt. 2 | CameraKristen | Life, Love, Laughter & Beauty

  4. This was a profound post for me, probably in a different way than many others. Reading about the strength and commitment you and your husband have for each other was a stark reminder that I did not have that with my ex, and I likely never would have had that with him, even if I did not miscarry. What you have described is the kind of relationship I hope to have myself one day. I need to stop settling for less, because I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone who gives me less than what I deserve. ❤

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