This photo was taken a little over six years ago (February 2009). I was starting to really get into photography and I had just discovered clone photos (more than one of the same subject in a single frame). At the time I was in between living at home with my parents and with Steven. I was going full time to school, working almost full time, and I was really happy. I took this photo to represent all the people I was while still being a blank canvas (having the ability to be whoever I wanted to be).
When I attempted to go through photographs yesterday for a different post, I came across this one. That girl, a blank canvas able to become whoever she wanted to be has became those things she wanted to be. I proudly hold a bachelor’s in English, I am a wife to an amazing man, I’m usually quite silly and happy. Somehow I got stuck becoming a few things I did not want to become along the way, having medical conditions that bring me down, and becoming a mother to a child I will never be able to hold. I’m those things and I cannot change them. I’m an ever changing canvas just the same, but there’s some cuts and dents in the canvas that will always be there. Bad metaphor; my apologies.
I got the proof that my body is as back to normal as it can be. I’m not going to go into detail about all that. I cried. I did not understand why.
I have always been very self aware. I have always been able to take a step back and understand what I was feeling and why. I know why I’m feeling this way, but this time I cannot control my emotions. I’ve had the worst anxiety I have ever experienced the last few days. My heart beats fast, I get a knot in my throat, I feel like I cannot breathe. It all started after said proof was given.
It’s real now. It really happened. There’s no going back, only forward.
Yesterday I got over my pride and called to make an appointment for counseling.
I understand that this is my personal business that I’m sharing for the world to see. To some, that may be strange. The fact of the matter is, I do not share my experience for you to feel sorry for me or even for those who have not been through it to try to understand. I share my experience for those who have been through it too, to know that they are not alone, to know what they feel is normal. The amount of support that has been shown to me (and by people I’ve never even met in person even!) blows me away. That is why I’m sharing my experience. Thank you to those people.
Grief is normal. It is a different process for everyone and it may take some longer than others. It is NOT okay to tell someone to just be happy. It is NOT okay to tell someone to not talk about it either. When you go through something that is traumatic to any measure, you need to go through a healing process. It is not okay to linger in sadness, I’m not saying that. For me, I’m choosing to get help. I’m not ashamed. This is what I need to do for me. This is what I need to do to heal.
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