This was written in anger

As of next Monday it will have been a month since I miscarried. I’m still actually pregnant but without fetus. My pregnancy hormone levels have still not returned to normal. My heart is still shattered. I’m dealing with so many inner demons I never knew I had, and maybe I didn’t have until all of this happened. I’m angry, I’m depressed, and then I’m happy again. I think I’m very much all of those all at once. From what I’ve read and what I have been told, I will never be the same again. The pain will become less, each day will get easier, but I will always hurt because of this.

We told our friends and family too soon in the pregnancy. We were just so excited that we could not keep it to ourselves. Then I miscarried, shortly after making the announcement. So a few things happened as a response: those who did not know what to say, said nothing at all; OR people wrote it off as if it had been no big deal what happened to us. Miscarriages happen all the time, one in four women go through it, but it does not make it any less devastating. My loneliness turned into anger, and I’m still dealing with that. People we had been there for, shown support to, people we love, left us alone and did not dare reach out to us. We needed the support. We needed to know we were loved. We needed people to be there for us. They were not. It’s an extremely touchy subject, I get that.

NOT to be TMI or anything, but I did not just miscarry. I was in the worst pain of my life. I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to die. I would like to lend a big “F^%# YOU” to anyone who thinks I sat on the toilet for two minutes to pass the baby. I passed the baby naturally. That means there was a lot of blood loss, I was having nauseous fits where I lost more than I think I’d ever put in, I had a fever, I had severe cramping that I was told was actual labor pain. Oh, but I did not get to hold a beautiful baby in my arms after all was said and done. I was told to be happy, that it could have been worse, try again next time. I did get the chance to flush my child down the toilet, so there’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life.

We did not just lose a pregnancy. We lost our dreams for the future. We lost what we had nine weeks to plan, the life of our child, who they would be, what they would like and would not, who they would become, what they would do… The life that they would’ve had.

I lost what little confidence I had in myself and my body. Woman’s purpose (in all basic terms, do not get all feminist on me here) is to bear life. I had to FIGHT to get there, and then I was still not good enough.

I hope that when we do go to try again, we will not have to go through this. There are no guarantees. With my pituitary tumor, the hormone imbalances that could occur, who knows. My heart is completely broken. My confidence is lost.

I’m angry. I’m depressed. I am so far from being myself it’s ridiculous.

This was supposed to be a post about what I’ve done to heal, but it’s obvious now that I’m no where near healed. I feel like I’m back tracking more than anything. The reality of the situation is starting to sink in. I was finally pregnant after trying fifteen months. We were going to be parents FINALLY. But instead, our dream was ripped away from us. We were left empty handed with very little understanding and support.

This was written in anger. This was written with a broken heart. This was written from my lowest point. This was written to be therapeutic. This was not written to offend, but if it did, I’m NOT sorry.

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12 thoughts on “This was written in anger

  1. You are still parents, you got that beautiful gift even if it was for a short time. I can never and will never say I understand what you are going through. Unless you have experienced that loss no one will understand. I can speak for a lot of your fellow MILSO’s who follow you here and on Instagram that we are all rooting for you and your husband. Miracles happen in big ways and unfortunately prior to those miracles is a lot of heart break, pain and loss. You WILL be blessed to become parents again! I have never met you but have followed your story. You are inspiring even if you believe you are at your lowest in my eyes you are a strong woman who can over come any obstical and will never let anything get in the way. There is a perfect baby in heaven looking over you and another perfect one just waiting for the PERFECT moment to be put into your life. ❤

  2. I’m so sorry. 😦 I wish I could do something to take away your pain, I really do. You know I’m here if you need to talk…

    And by the way, the anger and grief you’re feeling, you have every right. I’m glad you don’t feel sorry for the way you feel, because you shouldn’t. I don’t care how often it happens, miscarriage is horrible and painful. You are completely justified for having a broken heart.

    Hang in there. ❤

  3. Kristen

    I don’t know you but let me sincerely say that I’m very sorry for your loss. I too experienced a miscarriage very similar to yours anout two weeks ago and so I do know the physical pain that you experienced. I’m going to pray for your heart and the anger and sense of loss that you’re feeling. It’s not easy to go through something like this and I know that nothing I could say could fix what you’re feeling. I also pray for wisdom for your doctors that they will be able to find a healthy solution for you that will allow you to experience a healthy pregnancy and the miracle of a healthy baby. I’m on a journey myself and I will have to have surgery to correct the cause of my miscarriages (I’ve had two). Take it bit by bit and I also pray that people will come into your life that are supportive and helpful. If there is ever anything you want to ask or discuss please feel free to email me.

  4. I don’t know what to write, I’ve been sitting here re-reading your post in tears and thinking I wish that I did know you so I could extend a hug or at least a short embrace to let you know it was going to be okay. I’m so so sorry that you had to go through that pain and loss. You and your husband are in my thoughts.

  5. Kristen,

    This is gonna be lengthy… so I hope you have a cup of tea to get you through! 😉 This post really broke my heart. When I miscarried, I didn’t even know that I was pregnant. So I cannot imagine knowing that you were, finally telling everyone the big news, having the pictures in your hand of your child and then having that taken away from you. When it happened to me, everyone, including my own mother, told me to write it off. It wasn’t a big deal. It happened to other women all the time. I wasn’t ready to be a mother anyways.

    Physically, I was in so, so much pain. I had to quit my job because of it. I could barely stand up straight and my hormones were through the roof. I literally thought that I was going to die. And I passed the baby naturally too, so I know just how traumatizing and horrific the weeks that follow really are. All I could do was cry and cry and cry, and I didn’t realize at first why I was so upset. Kristen, the moment you realized that you were going to be a mother, something completely changed. Who you were was replaced by a whole new version of you, one who had an entirely new purpose in life. I know you know it as well as I do. When I was told the baby was gone, the doctor didn’t skip a beat. He just went right along to tell me about the cyst on my ovary. He had absolutely NO idea why I began to cry and hysterically ask to see my husband. Absolutely no one did.

    I saw the post that follows this, that certain people were upset when you wrote it. When I did something similar, our families weren’t supportive. They were outraged. They claimed I hadn’t “told them” exactly what had happened… and the love and coddling I really needed at the time was the farthest thing from what I wound up getting. And for you and Steven, I pray that isn’t what you received. I hope the two of you know that you’ll always have a friend in Tyler and I. I know we’re a little younger and the situation isn’t the same, but we’ve been through this. We’re still going through this and it’s something we still live with day to day. You have been through so much, and it pains me to know that the two of you don’t have someone to tell you that you’re loved, cherished and supported.

    I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. In any way, shape or form. And if you seriously need ANYTHING at all, you know where to find me. I think I tend to get kind of shy, especially when people are going through hardships. It’s from a lack of knowing what to say and a desire not to say the wrong thing. But if you just need to vent about it (or anything for that matter), I’m here for you. Pinky promise! ❤

    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
    Loey

  6. Hi. I’m not sure how you found my blog but I thank you for liking my first post. I just found this post of yours, and I want to let you know you’re not alone. My husband and I lost our first child as well. We also had to fight for her (fertility pills for a few months) and It was a still-birth at 29 weeks. I definitely understand your anger.
    I can’t imagine the pain you’ve described. I found out my baby had passed away at 29 weeks then had to be induced and deliver. I did hold my baby girl for a short while, but of course she didn’t quite look like the baby I had always imagined. We found out she had actually passed away several weeks earlier, but my body never reacted.
    There’s much more to the story, but I can say we have had a happy ending, as in 2012 we tried again with the fertility shots this time, and we now have a beautiful boy that is currently 14.5 months old. It of course doesn’t really take away the hurt from losing our daughter (Danica), but it makes it a little easier to handle.
    So I do hope you have the ability to try again.

  7. P.s liking these types of posts are always difficult because we don’t want to send the wrong message across. However, I liked it because you freely expressed your thoughts and feelings during such a difficult time. Don’t ever be sorry for that!

  8. Kristen, I am so so sorry to hear this. There is truly nothing I can say to make it better except for how sorry I am for your loss. I pray that the next time (when you and hubby are ready) that you will have a beautiful experience and a healthy and happy one. Hugs and prayers.

  9. Pingback: What to say when You Don’t Know what to Say | CameraKristen | Life, Love, Laughter & Beauty

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