Does everything happen for a reason?

Over the past week I’ve gone through so many emotions and feelings that I am starting to expect some form of spontaneous combustion to occur. Between self loathing, regret, jealousy, anger, calm and collected, to an absolute bawling mess, I’m never one or the other, but all at the same time. There have been a lot more bad than good. That’s to be expected, I guess.

I’ve been reading a book about miscarriage that’s meant for women who have experienced it. It’s somewhat healing, somewhat feeding the fire. I’ve read different miscarriage stories from several women. I’ve read how they chose to cope, and how they didn’t, and how they wish they had. My biggest gripe with not just the book, but with everyone I’ve spoken to, whether they have experienced it or not, they all go to this awful, stupid, and belittling saying.

Everything happens for a reason

This is my anger speaking, just to clarify. This is my very fresh wounds showing themselves. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT’S AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE!

I do not believe anyone has said it to my face, yet. But as of now, those who have said it to me have gotten a very real (Well, in all imaginary forms, at least) middle finger thrown their way. AND to be fair, I believe in most cases, this has come from those who have NOT personally experienced this themselves.

I hate to say it, but I believe in the saying that everything DOES happen for a reason. Or at least, I did. Maybe it’s how we make excuses for ourselves and our actions. Maybe it’s how we cope and teach ourselves to be okay with the fact that some things are out of our own control. The past few months I’ve been on the fence of my belief in this saying. I believe I’m completely justified in this, whether you agree with me or not.

I feel the need to interject a little fact about myself and my faith. I am constantly questioning what I believe in as far as a “higher power” goes. I define myself as an agnostic (I do not deny the existence of a higher being, I simply choose not to define it). I define myself as more of a spiritual person than a religious person. I believe that if we do good, good will happen to us. Does that make sense? I feel like people think I’m being condescending when I try to explain myself. I do not think ANYONE who has any religious belief is any less for doing so. I just choose to believe in my own way, and do it in a personal manner than going to congregation.

That being said, this is where my method of coping differs from so many. I have a hard time trusting that God, or whoever may be up there watching over us, has a specific plan for each one of us and that he or she has everything happen for a single, specific purpose. Maybe this seems like a cop out to some, and I understand why. Maybe I choose to believe this so I do not blame a God for being unjust.

My husband and I have struggled with infertility for almost a year and half now. HOW many people have been brought into this world by accident?! How many people get blessed with a beautiful baby and easy pregnancy when they were not even trying?! How many people have aborted their babies because they just didn’t want a baby right now?! How does the population of The People of Walmart keep growing, but my husband and I (with our degrees in hand, carrying out a stable life, and always dressed for those important first impressions) cannot maintain a single pregnancy?!

I choose to believe that a higher being would NOT do this purposefully.

I’m starting to believe that SOME things happen for a reason.

Being born to my parents and into my wonderful family, meeting my amazing husband, being given the change to live through so many lovely life experiences… I like to think that those happy things were meant to happen to me. Is that conceited to think I deserved those happy events to occur to me? Maybe not. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Is it conceited to say that I did not deserve anything bad to happen to me? I’m sure some would say yes. Even I think that would be a pretty conceited thing to say. What’s life without a few bumps in the road? If we do not learn from life’s challenges, how will we grow?

I believe that sometimes our life gets thrown off track a little bit, sometimes we are given free will and sometimes the universe is given free will. What happens to us may not always be right, but how we cope with it will make it right.

In short, I think maybe all I was trying to say here is: PLEASE STOP telling me “everything happens for a reason” or similar statements when I am sad. It’s like saying I deserved this sadness, in a way. Maybe I did. Maybe it did happen for a reason. My point is, this statement does NOT help the coping process.

A simple, “I’m sorry” or “I’m here for you” or “I love you,” THAT helps.

Excuse me, I feel as though I’m going through the 5 stages of grief in no particular order. I do appreciate you joining me, or at least putting up with my blabber as I progress.

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11 thoughts on “Does everything happen for a reason?

  1. I love you and always here for you. Though I may not always say the right things, I am only a phone call away anytime. I think the phrase is meant to be comforting, I usually find it to be so, but I can see how it can seem harsh. But I don’t think itever means you deserved it, and you don’t sis.xo

    • I know who say it mean well, and are not in way trying to be hurtful, but with infertility/miscarriage/or anything sad really it’s not helpful, in my opinion. BUT like I said, in good times, like having a happy event of meeting someone new or whatnot, it makes sense to use the phrase. I love you lots sis!

  2. I saw that you liked one of my blog posts, so I clicked on your blog to see what you write about. I want to say that I am so, so sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through. As an atheist, I do not believe that anything happens for a reason. Rather, I believe that science and biology are the only two things behind a woman having a miscarriage. I take comfort in believing that there is no higher power, just the randomness of the universe. To me, life is partly what happens to you, and the rest is how you respond to it. Life is not being lived under the guise of a loving and caring higher power.

    I also cringed when I was told “everything happens for a reason.” I also heard things like “Well, you can have another one” and “this just wasn’t meant to be, but when it’s right, it will happen.” Ugh. That does not make me feel better at all. The only comfort I have is in knowing there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently, that this was just nature, and nature is a bitch.

    I don’t know if any of this made you feel better. I hope it didn’t make you feel worse. From one woman to another who has suffered pregnancy loss, just know that in time, it starts getting a little easier. There are more women than you know who have suffered from this terrible event, so draw on the strength of your loved ones. I actually went into therapy to help me deal with my loss. I don’t know if it’s helping yet. lol. I’ve only been twice. Stay tuned!

    Anyways, take care of yourself. Now is a time for self-care. Lots of healing, and remember to go easy on yourself. You have been through a lot.

    -B

    • Thank you so much for your words B. They were indeed helpful. I completely agree about all those sayings, the things that I think those who see it from the outside think will help. I also have got the “at least it happened now, not later when you were more attached.” They’re meant to be helpful, but… well, you understand.
      My husband and I are going to go to grief counseling sometimes soon. I debated it the past week, and I knew I did not want to go to a group setting, so I hope it will be helpful. That’s why I like blogging about it so much, it hurts, but sometimes it’s good to try to put structure to your thoughts and really hear/read them for yourself.
      I am very sorry for your loss. I hope with time it gets easier for the both of us. ❤

  3. I’m very sorry to hear that you have gone through a miscarriage. I can understand that in your journey of not knowing if there is a higher power, many things about this life can be odd and confusing. As a devout Catholic, I look at the earth around me and the sky above me and can feel the calming presence of the Creator that I believe in–most especially in the eyes of a child. There is truly SO MUCH that goes into a healthy and viable pregnancy, and so many in this world treat it as though it is a burden to bear–when in reality it is a miracle. I think the loss of any child or young person brings about questions that so many cannot answer, and are uncomfortable dealing with. The saying “Everything happens for a reason” cannot fill the void of a child lost in the womb, but perhaps it gives hope to some, that the life we helped to create is not gone from this world completely, but watches over us as the angel that we will forever remember them as. I hope my words have not offended you, I only want to offer you my condolences and my prayers. I hope that you may find a sense of peace at the end of all of this.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers! I was raised Seventh Day Adventist (Well, first seven years of my life I should say. I went to church with my grandparents until they no longer went due to health issues). Since then, I have somewhat made my own pick and choose from different religions, however weird it may sound. I take no offense to your words whatsoever. I find different religious beliefs fascinating, and I’m interested in all of them, because there is so much hope to them. I hope that my child will be waiting for me, wherever that place may be, and in the meantime is aware of how much I love them. I take great comfort in that. ❤

  4. Like B above me, I found your blog after seeing you had liked one of my posts. I just wanted to let you know that–even though we don’t know each other–your post really touched me, and you now have someone on the other side of the world who is thinking of you and hoping your heart begins to hurt a little less soon. You be gentle with yourself in the coming days, okay? I really am so sorry this happened to you. Sending big hugs from Germany.

    -Alicia

    • AND I’m upset that I completely intended on commenting on several of your posts that I read – but sleep came first, and for that, I apologize. I think I came across your blog searching for fellow Army Wives, or Dependicorns (and I love this term!). In times like this, I search for those I can relate to, as some shape or form of healing. I’m glad that I came across your blog for many reasons, but especially because I believe we share a similar sense of humor. I needed to be reminded of that greatly. ❤ Thank you so much for your kind words, Alicia!

  5. After your comment on my blog, I specifically searched your blog for this post. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope you’re taking some comfort in knowing that you’re contributing to a conversation that needs to happen. The other women who have commented and shared with you on this blog are a tribute to your ability to reach others. Thank you again for being so brave.

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