Over the past week I’ve gone through so many emotions and feelings that I am starting to expect some form of spontaneous combustion to occur. Between self loathing, regret, jealousy, anger, calm and collected, to an absolute bawling mess, I’m never one or the other, but all at the same time. There have been a lot more bad than good. That’s to be expected, I guess.
I’ve been reading a book about miscarriage that’s meant for women who have experienced it. It’s somewhat healing, somewhat feeding the fire. I’ve read different miscarriage stories from several women. I’ve read how they chose to cope, and how they didn’t, and how they wish they had. My biggest gripe with not just the book, but with everyone I’ve spoken to, whether they have experienced it or not, they all go to this awful, stupid, and belittling saying.
“Everything happens for a reason”
This is my anger speaking, just to clarify. This is my very fresh wounds showing themselves. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME! HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT’S AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE!
I do not believe anyone has said it to my face, yet. But as of now, those who have said it to me have gotten a very real (Well, in all imaginary forms, at least) middle finger thrown their way. AND to be fair, I believe in most cases, this has come from those who have NOT personally experienced this themselves.
I hate to say it, but I believe in the saying that everything DOES happen for a reason. Or at least, I did. Maybe it’s how we make excuses for ourselves and our actions. Maybe it’s how we cope and teach ourselves to be okay with the fact that some things are out of our own control. The past few months I’ve been on the fence of my belief in this saying. I believe I’m completely justified in this, whether you agree with me or not.
I feel the need to interject a little fact about myself and my faith. I am constantly questioning what I believe in as far as a “higher power” goes. I define myself as an agnostic (I do not deny the existence of a higher being, I simply choose not to define it). I define myself as more of a spiritual person than a religious person. I believe that if we do good, good will happen to us. Does that make sense? I feel like people think I’m being condescending when I try to explain myself. I do not think ANYONE who has any religious belief is any less for doing so. I just choose to believe in my own way, and do it in a personal manner than going to congregation.
That being said, this is where my method of coping differs from so many. I have a hard time trusting that God, or whoever may be up there watching over us, has a specific plan for each one of us and that he or she has everything happen for a single, specific purpose. Maybe this seems like a cop out to some, and I understand why. Maybe I choose to believe this so I do not blame a God for being unjust.
My husband and I have struggled with infertility for almost a year and half now. HOW many people have been brought into this world by accident?! How many people get blessed with a beautiful baby and easy pregnancy when they were not even trying?! How many people have aborted their babies because they just didn’t want a baby right now?! How does the population of The People of Walmart keep growing, but my husband and I (with our degrees in hand, carrying out a stable life, and always dressed for those important first impressions) cannot maintain a single pregnancy?!
I choose to believe that a higher being would NOT do this purposefully.
I’m starting to believe that SOME things happen for a reason.
Being born to my parents and into my wonderful family, meeting my amazing husband, being given the change to live through so many lovely life experiences… I like to think that those happy things were meant to happen to me. Is that conceited to think I deserved those happy events to occur to me? Maybe not. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Is it conceited to say that I did not deserve anything bad to happen to me? I’m sure some would say yes. Even I think that would be a pretty conceited thing to say. What’s life without a few bumps in the road? If we do not learn from life’s challenges, how will we grow?
I believe that sometimes our life gets thrown off track a little bit, sometimes we are given free will and sometimes the universe is given free will. What happens to us may not always be right, but how we cope with it will make it right.
In short, I think maybe all I was trying to say here is: PLEASE STOP telling me “everything happens for a reason” or similar statements when I am sad. It’s like saying I deserved this sadness, in a way. Maybe I did. Maybe it did happen for a reason. My point is, this statement does NOT help the coping process.
A simple, “I’m sorry” or “I’m here for you” or “I love you,” THAT helps.
Excuse me, I feel as though I’m going through the 5 stages of grief in no particular order. I do appreciate you joining me, or at least putting up with my blabber as I progress.
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