Mother to an Angel

I do not know where to begin. I thought of going on with writing blog posts and not mentioning it. This is my blog, and it’s about me, my life, what I like and what I don’t. In times like this, my blog also acts as a method of coping for me.

I had a miscarriage.

On Friday things started to get bad. I was afraid of what was happening, and I had a horrible feeling the entire time that I was miscarrying. Friday night we went to the ER. They did blood tests, a pelvic exam, and an ultrasound. The baby was still there and its heart was still beating, but slowly. They determined it was a threatened miscarriage, however the signs and symptoms lead them to believe it was preceding the inevitable.

I can honestly say that Saturday was the worst day of my life. It started off fine, but around noon the cramping returned and I could tell I was losing the baby. The pain was by far the worst I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t move, I could hardly breathe, I screamed out it was so awful. Steven wanted to take me back to the ER but I wouldn’t let him. I got very sick, I got waves of hot and cold, I could not relax. I was finally able to sleep, and when I woke up, the pain was still there, but it was not as bad.

That night I passed what I’m sure was our baby.

Sunday we went back to ER. The pain was still excruciating. They gave me an IV of fluid to help me not dehydrate, took my vitals and did some more blood tests. I sat in the ER room for six hours. The doctor did another pelvic exam but she did not do an ultrasound. My blood tests showed that my pregnancy hormone level had dropped by more than 8,000 mIU/ML. I was miscarrying.

Yesterday we went to the OBGYN to discuss what to do next. He did an ultrasound and it was clear that no baby remained. In fact, there was not much proof left that there ever was. I was prescribed some hefty pain killers and bed rest. He said that in a few months we could try again.

image from Pinterest (here).

I’m devastated. I feel as though I go between the anger and acceptance stages of grief, without much warning. Because I was dealing with two different locations for my pregnancy (the fertility specialist in Kansas City, and the doctors on post who wouldn’t even see me until I would have been ten weeks EVEN though I told them my pregnancy was going to be complicated), I feel as though I did not receive the attention I should have. My progesterone levels were very low, but no one addressed it. I’m taking medication for my pituitary tumor that the specialist said was safe, but everything I’ve read said you should stop taking it when you find out you are pregnant. There is so many what ifs and absolutely no answers.

My New Year’s resolution was to focus on the word GROW. I meant it to be funny, in a way, because my belly was going to GROW during pregnancy. I was going to grow into being a mother. Instead, I have to grow as a person who can handle this lesson in grief. This will not break me, but I will never be the same again.

I already had such a mistrust of my body. I’ve dislocated my knee numerous times (due to bone structure that cannot be fixed because baby, I was born this way), I have my pituitary tumor and all the things it causes my body to do, and I possibly have PCOS. My body is doing things that I have zero control over. I cannot HELP or change what is happening to my body. I could not save my child.

My baby’s heart beat for a little over a week inside of me. Now my husband and I are parents to a beautiful angel who will live in our hearts forever.

I do not share my struggles in attempt to make you feel sorry for me. I’m writing this in attempt to help myself heal, and maybe someday, help someone else find peace as well.


3 thoughts on “Mother to an Angel

  1. Thank you for your courage in sharing. And thank you for that picture/saying I had never seen that one before. Love it and something I’ll always wonder about my never to be here on earth babies. Justine

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