EDIT: I WAS pregnant but I had a miscarriage.

I HAVE LOST THIS PREGNANCY. I had a horrible miscarriage experience and I have lost three pregnancies since this. I’ve lost our rainbow baby time and time again. Our hearts are broken.
IF you see this post anywhere else, whether it be my words or my images, it was used WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

I am pregnant!

I have not been able to express my excitement yet. I am very much a worry wort, but I feel entirely justified being concerned about the health of the fetus inside me. Back in October I wrote about our battle with infertility (if interested, you can read it here). Infertility is something you are MEDICALLY described as after trying for over a year. So we do fit into that category, but “infertile” may be the wrong word technically for us and our situation. A lot of what was causing my husband and I not being able to conceive had to do with my pituitary tumor and what it was doing to my body. My pituitary tumor was releasing a hormone that made my body think it was already pregnant, thus preventing me from becoming pregnant. I was also diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) but I think that’s a far fetched misdiagnosis. I started taking medication for my tumor, which controlled it from releasing hormones as well as shrunk it (for now). It’s not gone, but now that I am pregnant, it should not interfere with my pregnancy.

On December 19th (last month) I took a pregnancy test at four o’clock in the morning. The previous week I had been getting waves of nauseousness, feeling tired, and some of those other stereotypical first signs. I’d been down that road before and it ended up being all in my head, false pregnancy. I felt the same way when I thought I was pregnant back in August. But that particular morning I woke up from a very bizarre dream. I had dreamed that Steven and I had seven room mates that had just come back from a long trip. Some of them had brought us back gifts. One of those gifts included a grilled hot dog, no bun or condiments involved. Yes, dream ME took a bite. As soon as I did, dream Steven told me said hot dog was not what I thought it was and pulled out a partly bitten $20 bill from the uneaten part of the hot dog. I immediately woke up and was totally confused. I had heard you can get really vivid, strange dreams when pregnant. So, I had to take the test then. When I saw the positive sign I cried, jumped up and down, and squealed quietly in the bathroom. I let Steven sleep because he had to work that day. I didn’t even tell him before he left for work. He did ask me why I was acting weird though.

Steven was on holiday half-days, so I had a few hours to make myself presentable as well as come up with a quick, but cute way to tell him. I set up TWO cameras in my living room, made my set up, and when he got home I presented him with “an early Christmas gift.”

He was excited to say the least. It’s hard to grasp something so wonderful when you feel like it took a lot to get to that point. There are people out there who have gone through much more than what we have to get pregnant, and some have yet to hear that good news. We got BEYOND lucky.

We told our parents that night. I told my best friends a few days after. We told my family on Christmas day over Skype.

Yesterday we journeyed out to Kansas City to visit our fertility specialist for our first ultrasound. I was terrified to begin with, but when my doctor had a hard time finding anything, he questioned me. He asked why I thought I was eight weeks as of yesterday (because all the calculators say so). We knew I was pregnant, I had normal HCG levels in my blood. The guy is a wonderful doctor but he knows exactly what to say to get me completely frazzled. He said something along the lines of “if you’re still pregnant” before searching again. It took everything out of me to not burst into tears right then. After completely breaking my heart, he found the baby. He smiled at me and excitedly told me he saw the heartbeat. He tried, but it’s just too soon to hear the heartbeat. Great doctor, bad word choice.

Some of my hormone levels are still completely out of whack, and I will soon begin taking more medication to get them regulated. We are not in the clear and my pregnancy is considered risky. There is a very tiny little baby in me and it does have a heartbeat! (For all the whovians, I’m kind of like a Time Lord right now! TWO hearts!)

I’m pregnant, I’m excited, but my fear has yet to escape me. I may not relax until I have a healthy baby in my arms. Since it is a product of my husband and me, I may never relax. We are very accident prone people. We are lucky people though, and we have a seemingly healthy fetus to prove it.

They say you are not supposed to tell EVERYONE until the end of the first trimester due to the likelihood of miscarriage significantly lowering then. BUT news travels fast in our families and we wanted to be the one to deliver the news. IT is OUR news to deliver anyway. So here it is! WE ARE PREGNANT!

As of today I am six weeks, two days along (not eight weeks, one day). Our baby is due August 31st 2014 (not August 18th). WE are SO EXCITED to meet our baby and love it so much already!

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6 thoughts on “EDIT: I WAS pregnant but I had a miscarriage.

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